Indirect Suicide

Am I Happy?

Spending half my day sleeping and the other half staring at a screen, my body gets fatter while my eyesight becomes a blur. I eat one meal per day and fill my body with unhealthy snacks, and some days, I starve myself. I rarely see the Sun anymore, and I surround myself with the darkness that night has to offer. I live on my bed and I never exercise.

I am slowly lowering my life span and killing myself. I love it. It's like a weird way of punishing myself for all the hate I have.

I am happy.

Because I am happy now, the future me will die. She will regret all of it. But if she were given the choice to rewind time and live her life better, she wouldn't take it. Instead, she will die thinking that temporary happiness is worth dying for.

It is 6 am right now and I stayed up all night. I tried my best to sleep but, I just had a lot on my mind. I hear birds chirping and my eyes are tired. I am lonely now, because Kira left and because memories keep coming back. My mind is also pressured by thoughts of the future. I don't know where I want to go or what I want to be. I guess my dream just doesn't go further than being happy.

If I force myself to stay awake for the rest of the day, my sleep schedule will become normal again. I don't want it to be normal. I enjoy rebelling and living my life my own way. But for the sake of those who worry and those who still have hope in me, I will try my best. I will clean my room along with my mind and I will live a better life.

I won't be happy anymore but I never really cared about myself anyways. As long as you are happy, I will survive.

Good Morning.

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