My Last Request

And here I was, complaining about a small wound on my knee, while my best friend has been suffering to the point of attempting to kill herself. I am the horrible friend who kept her secret suicidal thoughts. I am the horrible friend who didn't tell her parents when she bought a pencil sharpener to cut herself. I am the horrible friend who wanted to think that it was all a joke.

But then I think of her words a few months ago:
          "If I ever kill myself, just know that it isn't your fault and that I love you"

She's wrong. It is my fault, not hers.

I was there when she went from sane to suicidal. I only able watch from afar, supporting her choices no matter what. I watched as she gave up on school, love, and living. I watched as she slowly lost all traces of hope and started to cut herself. I wasn't able to heal her or save her.

Dear God, please save my best friend. I'll go to church again. I'll even die for her if I have to. Just save her life please. She has so much left to do in life. We still have dozens of items on our ALL bucket list yet to cross off.

I am writing this as she is in the emergency room. I am waiting for more updates about her from her dad. He hasn't messaged in a long time and my paranoid mind is thinking of the worst possibilities. I am worried sick about her and I don't know what to do. Everything's is a blur. I can't focus. My mind recalls her text message telling me she took a handful of pills. I picture her sitting in her bathroom with the shower on. I imagine her slowly waiting to die, smiling. I wonder if she told me about it because she had hope or because she started to regret. Maybe she told me so I wouldn't be so surprised upon hearing about her death from someone else. Maybe she wanted to say goodbye but the pills got to her before she could type more. Either way, I am thankful that she loves me enough to tell me.

If you read this, please pray for her. I promise you she is the most kind and innocent girl you will ever meet. She couldn't hurt a bug without feeling guilty. She always has bright smiles and laughter to cover up her pain and she has a lot of love to give.

Am I selfish for telling her dad about her overdose when she clearly doesn't want to live? Am I selfish for wanting to share this story to the whole world to gather up prayers? Yeah, I am selfish. I am only a human.

I guess I never knew what depression was because I never experienced it. These few months after my friend told me she had it made me realize how serious it is. It also made me realize how insignificant my problems were compared to it.

 If  after she survives, she will grow up to be a strong and confident woman. I pray that she will find something in life that is worth living for and that she will eventually thank me for being such a selfish, horrible friend.

Popular Posts